Bed, Bath, and Brawl
by crematosis
Summary: Bucky hates having Tony drag him out to shop for room decor. Luckily, some idiotic Hydra agents cause a welcome distraction and actually change his life for the better this time


A/N: Hello, everybody. I recently re-found this prompt on avengerkink and had to do it so it would leave me alone. I apologize for all the unfinished stories I still have out there and promise I'm going to be back updating them again soon.

Disclaimer: Only loosely set in a Bed, Bath and Beyond store, just for the silly title. Real stores may be configured differently

Bucky groaned as Tony pulled him into the fabric department.

"Tony," he said for what felt like the ninth time since they walked into the store. "I don't need you to buy me anything." He shot Steve a pleading look over his shoulder, but Steve just chuckled and continued to follow them down the aisle.

"Aha," Tony said triumphantly. He grabbed two swatches of fabric and held them up. "These would make great curtains, don't you think? But which one do you like better?"

Bucky glanced between the dark brown and the black and white fabric and shrugged. Hydra had trained him out of any aesthetic preferences. He didn't even have a favorite color anymore.

"Honestly, Tony," he said. "My room is fine just the way it is. I've got a comfortable bed, a big closet for all my gear, and a big-ass master bathroom. It's like living in a fancy hotel room."

And after his time with Hydra, he was just happy to have a roof over his head.

"But your room is beige," Tony said, as if that was some kind of personal insult. "Plain walls, plain sheets, plain carpet. How can you live like this? You have no furniture, no TV, not even pictures on the walls. You have to do something to decorate."

Bucky sighed. "What's the point? I'm just going to move into Stevie's room eventually."

At the moment, he and Steve were moving slowly, spending time getting reacquainted before they jumped back into a relationship. But it was only a matter of time. He was remembering more and more every day. Stolen kisses during missions, nights huddled together for warmth, confessions whispered against Steve's skin. Hydra had done a good job breaking him, but they had never completely erased his love for Steve.

"No, no, no," Tony said indignantly. "You lovebirds can shack up if you want, but you still need a place of your own. What if something goes down and you two get into a fight? You'll want somewhere to decompress. Somewhere that feels homey and familiar."

"That's a nice thought, Tony, and I get that you're only trying to help. But, really, I don't give a damn about curtains. Curtains aren't what makes a place feel like home."

Tony nodded sagely. "If that's the way you feel, I respect that. We'll look at blinds instead."

Bucky let out an agonized growl as Tony darted forward again, dragging him along. And Steve continued to snicker behind them, the sadistic bastard.

At least blinds were practical. And there were a lot less choices to make. It basically boiled down to white vinyl and ones that looked like wood. Again, Bucky didn't really care about color, so he told Tony he'd just take whatever would last the longest. But that got Tony started on things like the amount of torque to turn the wands, the fray factor of different cords, and how much moisture PVC could withstand.

After fifteen minutes, Bucky just tuned him out and started people watching. There were only a few other shoppers in the store. An elderly woman looking at blankets with a little girl who was probably her granddaughter, some giggling college girls looking for dorm room decor, a young couple pushing a stroller, and a group of men in full combat gear who had just walked in the door.

Oh shit.

"Get down!" he shouted, tackling Tony to the floor.

"What the hell is going?" Tony said as machine gun fire broke out. "Who's shooting at us?"

Steve peered around the shelf he was crouched behind. "Looks like Hydra."

"Probably here to take me back," Bucky said with a shudder.

"Like hell they are," Tony growled. He tapped his watch. "FRIDAY, get me a suit."

"No," Steve said firmly. "You're not using your suit inside a building. It's far too dangerous."

"Then what do you expect me to do?" Tony demanded. "I don't have super strength like you."

"Improvise," Steve shot back. "You're real good at doing that, aren't you? I remember you bragging about all the stuff you put together to take out the Mandarin at the hardware store."

A slow, devious smile crept over Tony's face. "So you're basically giving me permission to strip this place for parts?" He rubbed his hands together gleefully. "I could just kiss you right now." He gave Bucky a salacious wink. "Pass it on from me, won't you?"

Steve cleared his throat. "Less flirting, more fighting."

Tony saluted sloppily. "Aye, aye, Captain." He executed a dodge roll into the next aisle and disappeared from sight.

"Should we really be leaving him to his own devices?" Bucky asked.

"He'll be fine. I'm more concerned about the civilians still in the store." Steve raised his head just above the shelf and quickly crouched back down as shots rang out. "Looks like most of them are clustered behind the cash register up front. See if you can get them outside safely."

Bucky nodded. "Stay safe, punk."

Steve grinned. "You, too."

Bucky waited until Steve broke out of cover in one direction before making a break for it in the opposite direction. He slid behind the cash register and surveyed the group he had in front of him.

The college girls were all huddled together, shaking and sobbing. The young couple looked just as shaken up, clutching their crying baby tightly, the stroller abandoned. The clerk, although wide-eyed with fear, seemed much less hysterical than the rest of them. So Bucky directed his words to her.

"We're going to get everybody out of here, okay? I'll draw their fire and you lead these people out of here."

The clerk took a deep breath and nodded determinedly.

"Good." Bucky hopped over the counter and hurled a pumice stone at one of the Hydra agents who had his back turned. "Hey, asshole," he shouted. "If you want me, you'll have to catch me."

The man whirled around, spraying bullets in Bucky's direction. But he was already running further into the store.

In the distance, he was satisfied to hear the clerk rallying the others to make a break for the front door. The little girl and her grandmother were still somewhere else in the store, hopefully unharmed. But at least the others were getting out.

Bucky headed for the bath and shower section of the store. He picked through soap dishes, shower heads, and soap dispensers, testing the weight of each item in his hand before ultimately discarding them as not heavy enough to be good projectile weapons.

But then he hit on the shower curtains. They weren't projectiles, but they'd give him a little more range. So he grabbed a large black rod off the shelf, ducked behind a display, and waited for a Hydra agent to walk by.

He waited for what felt like forever. The Hydra goons seemed to be traveling as a pack, chasing after either Steve or Tony. He could hear gunfire in the distance, but nearby everything was quiet. So he stayed put and kept waiting.

It took another fifteen minutes before Bucky picked up the sound of quiet footsteps. He held his breath, listening carefully as the steps slowly got closer to his hiding place. He could tell by the sound that the person was wearing combat boots and that even though he was taking slow, deliberate steps, he was still stepping on bits of broken glass and ceramic that had been damaged in the shooting.

Unbelievably, the Hydra agent walked right past Bucky's hiding spot without seeing him. Bucky waited until he had taken a few steps down the next aisle and then jumped out, cracking the curtain rod against the man's back. He went down with a sharp cry, but the rod snapped in half.

What a piece of shit.

Bucky tossed the pieces aside with an irritated growl and crouched down beside the man. He was definitely taking the agent's pistol. A quick look inside showed that there was only two bullets left.

Oh well. He would make the shots count.

He stood up and fired over the top of the aisle and then ducked back down to continue going through he man's possessions. There was no extra ammo, no other gun, not even a knife. In short, he had to have been the most unprepared Hydra member Bucky had ever seen.

With a sigh, Bucky abandoned the man's body and went off in search of a better weapon.

He found Steve in the kitchen section, using a pizza pan as a makeshift shield. It was already riddled with bullet holes so it clearly wasn't much defense. And, as he watched the pan completely miss all the Hydra agents and imbed itself into the far wall, it wasn't much of an offense either.

"These things are so flimsy," Steve said with a heavy sigh.

"Sucks to be you, babe," Bucky said cheerfully. He crept around the display of pots and pans and made a beeline to the knife blocks sitting on the counter. They weren't as good as the knife set Natasha had given him, but they were still sharp and that was all he needed. So while Steve kept trying to throw pizza pans, he was throwing knives at the agents.

Suddenly, the Star Wars theme song began playing over the store's sound system.

The Hydra agents all looked up, training their guns on the ceiling. Bucky took advantage of their distraction to grab another knife set and shift to another vantage point.

And then an army of modified BB-8 droids came rolling down the middle aisle, straight for the Hydra agents. They fired tiny lasers, complete with blaster sound effects.

Bucky howled with laughter. "Oh, I could kiss him right now."

"Bucky," Steve said with a frown.

"What? I love it when he comes up with all these creative ideas. A smart man is pretty sexy."

The crease in Steve's forehead smoothed out and he smiled. "Oh, Bucky, you incorrigible flirt. You're getting more and more like your old self every day."

Bucky huffed. "Come on. Don't tell me you don't think he's hot as hell, too."

Steve shrugged. "Maybe a little."

Bucky waggled an eyebrow. "Oh, I think you can do better than that. He's hot, he's brilliant, and he's got a big heart under all that sass."

Steve's smile softened into something fond. "Yeah," he said at last. "He does."

"Hell yes," Bucky said with a grin. "Finally a third we can all agree on."

"Don't get your hopes up," Steve warned. "We don't know if Tony is interested."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "You really think Tony's going to pass this up?" He gestured to his body and Steve's.

Steve shrugged. "You never know. He might not be over Pepper. He might be straight. I don't want you getting hurt if it doesn't work out."

"I can handle myself, Steve. I'm a big boy."

Steve's eyes went heavy-lidded. "Yeah, you are."

Bucky grinned and sat down in Steve's lap, straddling his waist. He ran a hand over Steve's chest. "After this is all over, let's take him out for drinks to celebrate. And then we can test the waters."

"I like the way you think." Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky's lips and he kissed back hungrily, deepening the kiss.

The overhead speakers crackled and then Tony's voice rang out. "Hey, you two. Less fucking, more fighting."

Bucky flipped off the nearest security camera.

Steve snorted and shifted his position. "Guess we've been found out. C'mon, Buck. Let's finish off the rest of these clowns."

Bucky was reluctant to let go of Steve, but he did have a point. They wouldn't be able to pay attention to where the Hydra assholes were if they were too busy making out. And although he did want to be in Steve's arms when he finally died, he wanted that day to come many years in the future. And not be at the hands of some dumb shits like these guys. He had a reputation to uphold, after all.

Tony's modified bots and his mocking voice over the speakers kept the Hydra agents pretty distracted, so Steve came out from cover and started whaling on them with a frying pan. Bucky settled for punching them with his metal arm until Tony started wailing about all the blood damaging the joints and then he moved on to using a waffle maker.

By the time the battle was over, there were twelve Hydra agents on the floor and a lot of blood spatter everywhere.

Bucky met Steve's eyes and the two shared a grimace. SHIELD was not going to be thrilled about the clean-up.

"Watch your backs," Tony called out. "Round two coming up."

Steve groaned and adjusted his grip on the frying pan. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope. Six more incoming. Haha, yeah. Surprise, surprise, dipshits. Your little sneak attack won't work."

Bucky's mouth twitched as he grabbed another knife and readied himself behind a display.

The second batch of Hydra goons seemed even more woefully unprepared than the first batch. Even though Tony had made it obvious he could see them, they still insisted on creeping up for some sort of ambush. So Tony alternated between calling out their locations ("Hey, dumbass, I see you over there by the grill pans.") and directing him and Steve to where the bad guys were ("On your left, Cap. No, your other left. Halfway down the aisle.") which made it pretty easy to take all of them out.

Tony's droids circled the fallen Hydra grunts, apparently checking for signs of life before he gave Steve the clear to call in SHIELD.

A moment later,Tony strolled out from wherever he had been holed up and approached them, grinning from ear to ear. "You all saw that, right? You saw how awesome that was? I just saved your asses."

Bucky smirked and walked up to meet him, putting as much sway into his hips as he could. "We appreciate it, Tony. But now it's time for you to make good on your promise."

"What promise?" Tony asked warily.

"This one." Bucky grabbed the collar of Tony's shirt and pulled him into a bruising kiss.

Tony stiffened and made a surprised sound in the back of his throat. But after a moment, he melted into the kiss. By the time Bucky pulled back, Tony's eyes were glazed and his mouth was so kiss-swollen that Bucky longed to kiss him again. But he couldn't be selfish.

"Pass it on," he purred, pushing Tony in Steve's direction.

Tony stumbled, crashing right into Steve's chest. Steve chuckled and tilted Tony's chin up a little so he could press a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Is this okay?" Steve murmured against Tony's mouth.

Tony blinked a few times and his brain seemed to finally come back online. He flailed and took a giant step backward. "Okay? No, it's not okay. Nothing makes sense right now. You two." He pointed an accusing finger at each of them. "What kind of joke is this?"

"Not a joke," Steve said. "We like you, Tony."

"But you like each other!"

"So? Bucky's always had room in his heart to love more than one person."

Bucky elbowed him. "Don't be a martyr. I remember you and Peggy."

"Peggy wasn't into you as much."

"Doesn't matter. You still loved the both of us."

"Does someone want to tell me what's going on?" Tony demanded.

"Stevie and I have always loved each other," Bucky said. "But that never stopped us from trying to date dames back in the day. We need a third person to complete us. When Stevie was a little punk, there were a few girls who reluctantly put up with the two of us as a set. And Peggy was willing to share Steve. But what we really want is someone who can love both of us equally, that we're both attracted to."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "And you picked me?"

"What can I say? You've grown on me."

"Like a virus," Steve said with a smirk.

Tony huffed and began gathering up the bloody weapons. "Is that your idea of sexy talk, Rogers?"

Bucky lounged back against a shelf. "Ignore him, doll. He's all look and I'm all charm. You want sexy talk, you come to me."

Steve rolled his eyes. "I know it's asking a lot for you to put up with him, Tony. But we really do like you. You have a good heart. Don't think i haven't noticed how hard you've been working to make Bucky feel welcome and how willing you are to put the past behind you. We both appreciate it."

"Yeah, well, you assholes have kind of grown on me, too," Tony said gruffly. The small, pleased smile ruined the effect.

Bucky brightened. "Hey, this means we'll all be moving into your room, right? Then who the fuck cares about my crappy room? Let's all go play in Tony's room. I bet his bathroom's even better than mine. Probably has one of those bathtubs with the jacuzzi jets in it."

He made for the door, but Steve grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Aren't you forgetting something, Buck?" he asked with a pointed look.

Bucky sighed. "Okay, okay. Tony, is it okay if Stevie and I move in with you?"

"Sure," Tony said with a laugh. "But if all you want is a bigger bathtub, I can get you one of your own."

"What good is a big bathtub if you don't have anyone to share it with?" Bucky waggled an eyebrow suggestively.

"Charming," Steve said dryly. "But I was referring to the clean-up."

Bucky groaned. "Isn't that SHIELD's job?"

"We made the mess, we help clean it up," Steve said firmly. His eyes sparkled with mischief. "It'll make that soak in the tub feel even better."

Well, if that was his reward for mopping up all the blood, Bucky didn't mind so much.

He swatted Tony's ass. "Come on, doll. Let's get this over with."

Tony grinned and bent over to straighten a set of cookie sheets on the bottom shelf.

No, he wasn't going to mind cleanup at all.


End file.
